HEAVEN (The Borowitz Report)—In a wide-ranging interview on Thursday, former President Jimmy Carter said that the best part of Heaven “by far” is the knowledge that he will never see Donald J. Trump again. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m very grateful for the gift of eternal life,” he said. “But an eternity without Trump is…

So…Elon Musk marries Donald Trump, which is happening as I write, becoming The Mump. Appropriate. A long time infectious disease, The Mumps, starts to get confused. Let’s sort this out, shall we: Both are, well, infectious diseases caused by a virus. No difference there The Mumps’ symptoms which include: Fatigue (feeling tired for no reason)…

Defending the H-1B visa program, Elon Musk said on Monday that working for him “is a job no American would want.” “There is this myth that workers on H-1B visas will be taking away jobs from Americans,” he said. “The truth is, the only people willing to work for me are foreigners with little to…