Robert F. Kennedy Jr. to be declared an honorary virus

For his tireless work promoting the cause of children’s diseases, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is being inducted into the Virus Hall of Fame today. The ceremony will feature light roadkill hors d’oeuvres, goblets of beef tallow, and a sewage plunge, and will include a memorial tribute to the parasitic worm that perished after eating a portion of his brain, but whose influence continues to be deeply felt.

In announcing the honor, the viruses praised Kennedy for being the first to buck the long-standing family tradition of fighting to better children’s lives: “Where other Kennedys mindlessly rushed to broaden access to health care, advocate peace, or improve children’s circumstances, only RFK Jr. had the courage to take a step back and say, ‘Let’s hear the other side.’”

“It’s easy to love children and want what’s best for them,” a representative from the virus league explained. “It’s hard to look deeper and say, What about the virus in that child’s lung? Who’s looking out for it?”

“He’s been our guardian angel,” a weeping respiratory syncytial virus added. “We were on the brink of destruction, and—he spared us.”

The disease-spreaders commended the secretary’s work altering the schedule of childhood vaccines, noting that, although technically these are just guidelines, and states and families can still make their own decisions to vaccinate, anything that makes vaccination more confusing and difficult is a big win for viruses.

“For offering a gracious home to a parasitic brain worm, even for a time, and for his indefatigable efforts to reintroduce the noble measle back into the wild, we here at the Childhood Diseases Consortium (CDC) are proud to claim Robert F. Kennedy Jr. as one of our own,” a plaque reads. “For his work making the lives of those scientists still trying to do their jobs at the Other CDC a living nightmare, and for the many ways, large and small, that he advances the cause of viral disease, we offer this small tribute to our most ferocious advocate and strongest defender. Whether he is repeating the words gold-standard scienceuntil they lose all meaning, traveling the world with a personal holster of sauerkraut, or doing something we think is intended to be a pull-up, the secretary will always know that we’re honored to have him in our corner. Wherever we go, whomever we touch, we feel we’re carrying on his legacy.”